I Can't
by itsahaiilstorm
Summary: "But you're not sitting next to me squeezing my hand instead of crying. You were always strong like that. No, you're not sitting Marlene. In fact you're lying quite still." Sirius& Marlene. T for strong language?


I don't want to be here. I definitely do _not_ want to be sitting in this chair, let alone the front row. I'm used to sitting in the back corner-with you. But no, you're up front with me, too. But you're not sitting next to me squeezing my hand instead of crying. You were always strong like that.

No, you're not sitting Marlene. In fact you're lying quite still.

I can't even look at your casket. I just don't-_can't_ be here.

It's not you Marlene, it really isn't. I want to be here. Believe me, I'm glad I'm seeing you one last time but I never imagined it like this. Lily broke down in front of me, and I gave in to attending. Surprised I'm that weak, McKinnon? You're probably laughing at me right now. Yeah yeah, Sirius Black could never give in to such little antics that only one Lily Evans could muster up. But trust me, Marls, if you saw her crying like that would you have refused her, too?

They've got a really nice picture of you up next to that casket. I think it was from seventh year, definitely before we became Aurors. You're blue eyes are shining, and you're smiling that beautiful smile...

I can't Marlene. I'm sorry but you're everywhere. You're everywhere in me, but you're not here. I don't feel you here. Isn't that the point of funerals? To remember the ones you lo-cared for? We wouldn't really know would we? We always ditched or didn't pay attention.

This funeral, its not you. It's black, white with navy blue flowers. The blue doesn't even match your eyes. Your eyes were bright blue, the brightest if anything. If I had helped, I would've put thousands of bright yellow and orange flowers everywhere. Those were your favorite colors, you would've liked that. The seats would have been as yellow as you're hair, and the casket... an electric blue to match your eyes would've been appropriate.

But no, I guess the pain was too much. I guess I understand, but they dressed you in black. In black, Marls! You hated black, said it was always such a lifeless color... I guess thats why you're wearing it. I don't even think you owned black. Out of all the times we've had our random nights together, I've never seen anything black in your closet.

Oh bollocks, Lily is giving a speech. I can't do it. I can't even listen. Would you be mad if I didn't? Probably not. You'd probably yell at me to Disapparate out of here and go grab a firewhiskey.

We were so stupid. How we thought firewhiskey and booze would solve all our problems, I'll never know. That partying... and shagging... and pretending none of this existed would make us survive. It didn't work out, now, did it? You're dead. You're gone and I can't ever get you back.

Lily just said how much she lov-...

Merlin! Why can't I fucking say it? Why can't I say...the "l" word?

What can I say? What do you want me to say Marlene? Oh that's right, I don't know what you want me to say, because you went and got yourself fucking killed. I offered, Marlene, I offered to help you. But you wanted to do this on your own. That fucking pride of yours kicked you right in the arse now didn't it, McKinnon?

I'm sorry, Marls. I'm sorry for being angry with you. It's not your fault. If anything its mine. I should've realized-I did,_ do_, realize what was going on. Always having new information...all those nights you wouldn't answer my owls... empty house... Its all my fault that you're gone. I should've protected you. Didn't I promise you that? That I'd protect you? Seems like it was forever ago, but it was probably only last week. I failed, though. I failed you like I failed everyone else...

McKinnon don't try to cheer me up. I know that's what you're trying to do wherever you bloody went to. I promised I'd stay with you, I'd promised I'd be there for you however way you wanted me to be there for you. I was your partner, your friend, your-

I guess I wasn't your boyfriend. I never asked did I? We just assumed, or we were good with just being shag partners. I never asked, and now I can't.

I just let you slip right through my fingers. Right through that soft blonde hair, and brilliant smile. And Merlin, Marlene! Not even James could get me to do things for him the way I did whatever you wanted. I hated that sometimes. You had this power over me, and I couldn't control it. You were so reckless; _we_ were so reckless. Did I have that impact on you, McKinnon? No, you were always that way, I suppose. But so reckless, so carefree. I thought we were invincible.

You were amazing, Marlene. I never told you, but you were probably one of the best Aurors out there. Even better than me, actually. I thought you were untouchable and you'd never be gone. Why'd you have to be so damn brave McKinnon? Why couldn't you be like Mary? Going to work at Mungo's instead of out there fighting?

But no, you were too fucking proud. Always held that perfect chin and nose in the air like you owned the place. So reckless, so young... why McKinnon? Please give me a reason why showing you were strong was worth death? And you never even cried. You weren't "weak" like that and you made sure everyone knew it. But sometimes, its okay to cry...

I never cried, either, I guess. But you made me stronger. Whose going to make me strong now? You're not here to do that. Now you're not here to go to bed with me, or kiss me right before a mission, or laugh with me about James and Lily's bickering. Now there's just this aching in my chest, and it hurts. It's because of you, I know it.

Is that why I'm so mad at you? For hurting me? Is that why I can't say I bloody loved you?

...

It's because it doesn't matter, now, does it? You made me feel alive, Marlene. You understood everything that went on, you challenged me, you were like another Sirius truth be told.

Yeah, even I laughed a little at that one. Not a real laugh though. Today's to sad to laugh.

I can't do this Marlene. They're wrapping up the service, and soon I'll have to say goodbye. I _can't_ do that, Marlene.

I know you told me forget you. If anything happened, I was supposed to move on with my life and let you go. But I can't forget you. Will you remember me Marlene? Can you even remember anything when you're dead? Will you let me go? I guess you did let me go; you left me.

You're officially gone now. It's over. I can just picture you rolling around in that dirt on top of your grave. You didn't care to get messy. People are leaving now, but I can't get up. I don't know why James keeps trying, but I can't say goodbye yet.

Can you feel me standing over your grave right now? Can you see me? Marlene Sara McKinnon it says. You were barely 21.

I guess I should get going. Remus will probably come searching for me. You know how he gets.

You were... everything? Is "everything" the way to sum up all that we shared? Me and you, Marlene, we were a package deal. The same personality, the same sense of humor... I can't believe I didn't see you clearly. I never asked you on a date, to be my official girlfriend, maybe even be a potential wife. Marlene Black. Doesn't sound so bad, does it Marls?

I love you. I _loved_ you. I can get it out now, but I guess its because I've lost my nerve. I always wanted to impress you, did you know that? I kept my walls up to show you how brave and strong I was. But I wasn't strong enough. I ran from you, when I should've stayed by your side. So why keep my guard up anymore? You always found a way to break through them anyway.

And maybe you always wanted me to say that I loved you. Maybe you wanted to say it back. But now, I'll never know.

Remus is here. I told you so.

So this is goodbye, I guess. And I'm sorry, but I won't let you go. I can't.


End file.
